Well, This isn’t your average “Give Thanks” blog post, and it definitely is not to get attention but more so to express what I am feeling, and share it with you all in one place so you can hear my heart, and hear what I have to say. I also figured I would rather get this out in the open now then to wait and have to explain it to multiple people bringing up hurt all over again.
I posted a blog on September 4th, called Negative Signs. In this post I described how in the past I was hurt for not having been pregnant, and when I had heard of people getting pregnant and wondering why not me? Though I knew that even though we hadn’t gotten pregnant the 10+ years we were married that God was going to make me a mother in his own timing. Little did I know that at that moment I submitted the blog post I was already pregnant. After almost 11 1/2 years my God had performed a miracle in me. I announced my pregnancy September 26th, All the Glory to God. It was a miracle. We did not use any type of fertility medication nor were we actively “trying”, it just happened. I almost couldn’t believe it when I first found out, after so long of seeing those negative signs you sorta have to double check and triple check (Yes, I made Chance run to Dollar General and grab a new pregnancy test because what if the two I had just tried were outdated and gave a false positive or something… lol)
Being pregnant for the first time I had all of these feelings come up, and was excited for the future. I started planning the nursery, started thinking of baby names, all of the normal exciting stuff that pregnant people do. I also fell in love with this baby that I had never met, never seen, just felt.
From the beginning I just had a feeling it was a girl, I also had a feeling it was twins. Maybe that is because I always wanted twins, and I was just trying to imagine it was twins. October 12th I had my first sonogram. This was my first ever OB sonogram, I was SO excited, I actually thought I was a little farther along than I thought, so my doctor agreed to get me in for the sonogram. I was actually pretty early in my pregnancy so they couldn’t see much, except for the fact that there was 2 gestational sacs. So I am thinking, I KNEW IT, I am having twins!! Such a blessing, to have to wait so long but to have twin babies were worth it. We were ecstatic.
They scheduled a follow up sonogram for October 29th, give the babies a little time to grow so I can finally see them. October 29th came along, I had my sonogram….I thought it was confusing how she asked me if I had blood work (Which I did have blood work for that entire week, and my HCG was rising, just not doubling…) and I was wondering why they weren’t showing me the babies like they do in the movies, you know.. where they show you a perfectly formed baby with the heartbeat and all. It was a very fast, abrupt sonogram with absolutely no information. I had a doctors appointment right after that and went into it totally blindsided about what had just happened and I was scared. The doctor, which I absolutely love her heart, told me that she got word from the Radiologist that there was no baby, and there was not much change since the last sonogram. My doctor said that she has seen miracles, and did not want to give hope up yet, so she was going to give me another week for my babies to grow, but she unfortunately had to talk to me about possible medication to induce contractions to pass the babies, or a possible D&C procedure with anesthesia to remove anything that will not pass naturally. Remember that I came into this appointment hopeful, ready to see my future, ready to see my babies, this was a total blindside, no way I had even thought about this happening.
I went home devastated, destroyed, defeated. I ended up not going to work that next day because I could not even handle staying awake. I would wake up, and then pray myself to sleep, or just repeat the name of Jesus, over and over again. It was easier to do that then to think about anything else. I ended up talking to the doctor and she told me she wanted me to rest, and she did apologize to me because she got the official Radiologist report and it did show a baby, they just didn’t see a heartbeat right then, but with twin pregnancies it was common when it was early, and that I am a bigger gal, its more difficult to see a heartbeat that early. This news gave me so much hope. We prayed, asked hundreds to pray, and I felt the prayers, the peace. You will never know how much that meant to have so many people praying, people I didn’t even know. I haven’t been back to work, I am losing wages, I have no sick or vacation time left, but I know in my heart that home is where I need to be in this moment.
I started bleeding Sunday the 4th of November, but I knew that bleeding was common in some pregnancies, I wasn’t worried. I tried to cling to the verse “I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the Lord has done.” Psalms 118:17- NLT I changed the I to “My babies” and prayed this verse over their lives.
I started bleeding and passing clots on Monday November 5th, my husband’s birthday. I didn’t want him to think about it so I just kept praying and not thinking anything was wrong… Believing everything was ok.
I had my sonogram today, the 8th of November. I walked in with a peace. It wasn’t a peace that I felt I was going to see my babies, but it was a peace that was unexplainable. I wasn’t hoping anymore, I was just thankful that I knew that Jesus loves me, and He was there with me in that room. Again, the radiologist didn’t say much, but that didn’t concern me, I was at peace. I went to my doctors visit right after and she had confirmed that the babies had not grown in the week and half from the last visit, and there was no heartbeat, and the sign of me bleeding and the sonogram, it was safe to say that I was miscarrying my twins. I haven’t passed them yet, which is another subject scary in itself, but I know that God is with me, and He will comfort me in this time of need.
So with this thankful blog post today, I am thankful for God’s peace. Without it I have no idea how I am calm right now, how I am not losing my mind. Yes, it will be tough, this will change me completely, and this will help me grow. I won’t be able to plan my nursery for my babies, I won’t be able to watch them grow, but I do know that they will be waiting for me perfect and whole and that gives me some comfort.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for being here for us when we really need friends, and family.
Much love, ❤